Danielle Peterson

Feeling behind.

Left behind by friends who’ve moved in different directions; behind in school or in a career; behind your friends or family in buying a house, getting that raise, getting married or having kids. Behind in retiring, buying that cabin or boat you’ve always dreamt of; behind in having grandchildren. It’s funny that everyone experiences these feelings in one way or another in their lives, and yet for each of us living it, we feel so isolated and alone, like no one can know or understand our struggles.

At least for myself, I know I’ve felt a sense of shame; of self doubt and criticism for where I am compared to everyone else. But I didn’t always feel that way.

Over the years I have listened as friends and family members have shared their struggles and sadness. But for a long time, while sympathetic, I didn’t feel I could relate.

And not because my life was perfect, or I had achieved some great success that they hadn’t. I got married later than many a friend, and still have not achieved the prestigious titles of homeowner or mother. My overall life and career have been.. fairly average.. But in the past I was never bothered by these comparisons because I felt at peace with where I was at and the unique and personal journey I was on. I trusted in God’s timeline for me, and knew that I was on my own path.

But now, I am beginning to understand better that pain that some of my loved ones had expressed before; the dull constant ache of longing and waiting and hoping for the things that haven’t yet come.

My husband and I have been married for almost five years now. I know that’s not much in the grand scheme of things… We are still fairly young and still have a lot of life left ahead of us in this journey, God willing. But at five years into marriage, I expected things to look a little different. And I found that it’s those unmet expectations that often bring the pain and self-doubt.

Life has taken some curve balls for us over the past few years. Through Covid, my husband struggled with school and ended up taking a break for a little while, delaying his plans for his career.

With schooling taking priority and the market going crazy, we decided to move in with family (something I never saw myself doing) to save for a place of our own someday instead of trying to buy now. And, despite our efforts in starting a family, so far they’ve just ended in impatience and heartbreak.

In the midst of these swirling self-doubts, challenges and frustrations, we had a chance to visit my extended family at their beachfront cabin on a beautiful lake near our home. It’s my favorite place in the whole world, and when we go there to visit, it always fills my soul back up with peace and comfort and connection. But this time I found my doubts and worries and self criticisms seeping in and leaving my heart and mind troubled.

Why couldn’t we be in the same place that it seemed everyone else was in? Why were all of my cousins buying houses, getting great jobs and having babies- making life look so easy and effortless while we struggled and floundered? I felt that feeling of being behind dragging on my heart like an anchor, pulling me down, down, down until it pierced a place of sorrow that I didn’t even know was there, hidden in the secret caverns of my soul.

I watched my cousins play with their sweet children, and listened as they moaned about house renovations, all the while dreaming of having their struggles as my own…

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At one point in the trip, the family decided to do a sandcastle building contest on the beach and my husband was excited to participate. He worked so hard, carving out a large foundation and a deep mote; piling on more and more sand until he had a towering mountain. I watched and cheered him on along with cousins, aunts and uncles in their efforts.

My husband dreams big, and he had big plans for his castle- creating a foundation much larger than the others on the beach. But with the size of his plans, he couldn’t get it finished before the rest of the family lost interest and decided the time was up. At the end of the contest he was left with only a large pile of unshaped sand.

I remember feeling a little bitterness in my heart in that moment. Here my husband had worked so hard, and dreamed so big, only for he and I to fall behind in everyone’s minds, once again (at least that’s what I felt they were thinking).

It seemed like a giant misshapen metaphor for our life and in that moment I felt so ashamed of where we were and what everyone else must have thought of us. “Makes sense that they’d be behind in this too, they’re behind in everything else” the imagined family voices whispered in my head.

I tried to enjoy the other activities with our family after that, but my heart felt weak and deflated inside.

But my husband wouldn’t give up.

Throughout the rest of the day my husband would slip away to his sandcastle and keep working, keep sculpting, and adding, and building. He didn’t ask for help or company, he was just enjoying the process of building it- not for the sake of a competition or prize.. just for himself and his own fulfillment and reward.

From time to time I would walk the path down to the beach to admire his progress and spend time together, away from the busy-ness of my family. And as I did, I started to find some respite.

I was proud of my husband for not giving up simply because he didn’t finish first. With some time I joined in and started helping him build; searching out seashells to decorate the castle drawbridge and carving out bricks into its sides with a piece of driftwood.

We sat together, apart from the rest, soaking in the calming sound of the waves and the soft chirping of birds; chatting over matters large and small. And slowly but surely I felt something change in me.

While we are by no means professionals, the final result of my husband’s unwaivering efforts was a magnificent thing to behold. Towering beautifully and majestically at the edge of the shore stood a grand, triumphant castle. It seemed to me to outshine all the rest and was admired by all who came down the beach to see it, myself especially. I was so proud of my husband for his efforts and determination to build something so beautiful simply for the experience of it.

As I wandered the beach that day and watched my husband working away, I felt God telling me- “this is the life I have in store for you. It may not look like everyone else’s. It may not be finished in the same style or timeline, but if you wait it out, and trust in me.. if you learn to enjoy the journey that you’re on and take part in building your own future with the man that you love… oh, how magnificent it will be! Do you trust me?”

And now more than ever I do. I am learning to accept where I am, and look forward to the endless possibilities of life ahead. I am learning that what we lack now, will not always be so. Someday we will look back on these times with so much perspective and gratitude. I am learning to be grateful for where I am now, and the journey that we are on together. I am learning to better love and appreciate and support my husband and relax into our own story rather than comparing it to that of others’.

Because at the end of the day, the tides will come and wash away what we build. Life isn’t always about “winning” all the time, but it’s about loving the life that I have and the people that I have in it. It’s about truly enjoying every effort-filled moment of that journey and walking away from it all with greater love, compassion, appreciation, fulfillment, and truly enriching relationships. It’s about digging in and getting my hands dirty, and learning what I’m capable of, and doing the work side by side with my husband and the Lord to build the life that we want, and shape it to fit our needs.

When I look back at the times in my life when I couldn’t relate to the pain of a relative or friend- it was because I wasn’t comparing my life to theirs or anyone else’s. I was just enjoying it. And while I am grateful for a deeper sense of empathy now, I realized that when I cultivate a habit of gratitude, what’s missing doesn’t sting as much, because my heart feels so full with what I already have.

We are each on our own journey. We shouldn’t compare. But if we did compare more honestly, there are probably several people we know that are “ahead” and “behind” us (at least from where we feel we are currently at); so it just goes to show, we aren’t the only ones feeling behind, and that someday we too may be the one that feels ahead.

While those feelings of discontent with where we are in life are crucially important in helping to propel us forward and keep us moving in the right directions in our lives and not getting complacent, it’s also important to be grateful for where we are right now and enjoy the beauty of each new stage in life, whatever it looks like. And it’s important to recognize that some of the beauties on another’s pathway may never be the same as ours, but that doesn’t mean our own path doesn’t harbor rich beauties of its own.

It’s only natural to look ahead and crave something more. But once we have achieved that thing, our brain will immediate look ahead again. We will never truly be satisfied or stop looking forward to the next thing in life.

So, I am trying more purposefully to enjoy the place I am in right now; to look for the positives in each situation and try to appreciate it for what it is. I am trying to remember to thank God for the blessings that I currently have and ask for His help to see the benefits of each experience for myself and others around me.

Being plugged into the present not only helps us to be happy, but can also help to naturally propel us into the future that we want, more so than feeling sorry for myself ever could.

Life is not a race. It is not a competition. We are each just building a different masterpiece.